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Friday, March 25, 2011

Licking the wounds

I love blogging. I really do. I write blog posts every week.

Now, PUBLISHING what I write is another story. I bet you didn't know I have over 80 blog DRAFTS for this blog. Over 80!

So... what's the deal? Truth be told (long-time readers may have noticed from the change in tone of my blog posts over the past year or two) things have been a little heavy on my side of the screen. I know my neighbors and friends have noticed I'm just not the same Adhis.

You know how one or two big life events bring with them their own high level of stress? I've had about a dozen life-changing events in the last two years that have leap-frogged (lept-frog? leaped-frog?) over each other. A couple of the events have been of the wonderful, positive nature, and the rest have been crappy extensions of crap: dealing with deaths, near-deaths, divorce (not mine! We're okie-dokie!), legal drama (not me!), jailtime (not me!) (or is it?), abandonment, cruelty, false accusations and my family of origin falling far, far apart.

I have been doing my best to hold my life and my responsibilities together. Many times, I have wanted to call in for substitute teachers to take over my personal finance class or my Sunday School class, but I have stayed faithful knowing that interacting with people and serving them keeps me on this side of sanity. But so often, I wish to apologize to those in attendance for my not being wholly in-tune. I desire so much to serve them better. I truly do.

More than anything, I wish I would have been more emotionally present to enjoy my Maya's first year of life. Babies don't wait for Mommy to feel well before they go on to their business of growing up. I am, however, grateful that my husband David loves his girls so much and has cared for them when he gets home from a long day at work so I can just sit and vegetate alone.

I won't go into details since so much of the hard news involves others who may not want the details shared, but suffice it to say that it has been one of the most spiritually, physically, and emotionally painful phases I have been through. The worst damage was probably caused by my internalizing others' choices and way too much of everyone's crap. (Don't YOU ever do that to yourself, OK?)

At least, I have gained a lot of insight about me and about how everyone reacts differently to "heavy application of pressure." I found that when things get tough, I face them head-on. But when things get personal, I retreat, I hide, I close off, I try to disappear so no one will make "just one more demand" of me. Just one more tiny demand of me would kill me. Maybe not. But that is what it feels like at times. Am I the only one?

Anyway, I am still here, and I do still write, I just... you know... took on too much, but I *am* healing and I *am* learning to let go.

I apologize for ignoring those of you who have reached out; truly, I have been trying to protect you from me as I neglected to keep my emotions and bitterness in check. I apologize to my friends for failing to hold up my end of our friendship. I am just now shaking off the dust and tweezing out the splinters. I do love you. I love people very much and do love you very much. I am licking my wounds, and I'll soon come back out to play.

5 comments:

Wendy said...

Even the most beautiful flowers don't want or need direct sunlight all the time. You've needed your bit of shade for a while. Growing pains stink sometimes. Ok, they pretty much always stink, but you'll be an even better, stronger version of yourself on the other side of all this. And you were pretty awesome to start with.

Lyns said...

It's okay Adhis. Good friends understand and are always there when you're ready. Life gets rough. Just take a deep breath and take the next step. (Just watch where you're stepping) :)

Heather said...

This was wonderful. I loved every bit of it. Please let me know if I can help in any way. And don't forget to take time for yourself. You deserve it.

Kristen said...

I love you! More than ever before.

You are such a compassionate person and it comes with its burdens. But you are finding the balance. I was in a psycho funk for Zach's first year. Don't feel bad about Maya. Today is a new day and she is still there for the loving. You can make up for what you "missed." You are a great mom and making wonderful choices for your family. Take as long as you need and your friends will still be here for you. Love you!

Kat said...

Love you Adhis! You are an amazing woman, and I am lucky to be able to call you "friend".