Saturday, June 12, 2010
What I had forgotten about infants
An infant can go from 'Serene Angel' to 'Rabid Old Man' to 'Cross-Eyed Drunk' all within the space of 20 seconds.
Left to their own devices, they will in photos flash gang signs and the occasional Finger of Displeasure.
In a public setting, they will let loose in the GAStrointestinal department in the quietest most reverent moment. (And they are not beyond doing so right as you bend over or squat down, rendering the "it was the baby" defense incredibly less credible.)
They are magicians mastered in slight-of-hand. Hold your sleeping baby on your shoulder. Look away for a half second. Turn back. Someone will have silently left a gargantuous puddle of baby vomit on your blouse while your baby still lies in the position you last saw her.
When they cry, their little legs look like they're peddling invisible bikes.
They'll teach you magic tricks. Grab a new diaper. Nothing here, nothing there. Put it on baby, seal the tabs, wave your magic hand, and -PRESTO CHANGE-O!- the diaper is full! Wanna see it again? No? Too bad because as soon as you put on another new diaper and barely get the tabs closed - SHAZAM!- the diaper is filled again!
Infants don't blink for like the first 4 weeks of their lives. And then they progress to one very deliberate slothful blink a day.
They make you fall in love with them, even when they pout.
They trick you into over-posting their cute little faces on your blog.
[Posted song: "Baby Face" by Pepe Le Pew]