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Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Today is Chuck Norris' 70th birthday!
(Thanks, Nathan, for pointing this out.)

In honor of his birthday, here are 35 facts about Chuck Norris:

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.

Every night before he goes to bed, the Boogey Man checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near-Chuck experience.

Chuck Norris once strangled a man with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norris-ed.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups - he pushes the world down.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin - today, we call its descendants "giraffes."

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he wants from them.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.

If you ever work in an office with Chuck Norris, do not ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

There is no such thing as global warning. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once, a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's freakin' beef.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Happy Birthday, Chuck!


Katy said...

Love this, Adhis! Back in the early days of our marriage, Jeremiah used to enjoy watching Walker, Texas Ranger (is that show on anymore?). I will have to share this with him! He's sure to get a kick out of it.

Utah_Dave said...

Hey, I feel studly now. I can delete the Recycling Bin, too!

Lyns said...

Can I pretty please post a link to this on my blog? Too funny.

Adhis said...

Sure thing, Lynsey. You can post a link and a credit. Glad you enjoyed it!

Heidi said...

Ummmm... UpChuck. He's pretty much my hero because of all the above listed. Someday you'll be saying that about me.

Andy said...

Chuck Norris was a Trending Topic on Twitter all day today. I talked about the funny tweets on my show