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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Where Everybody Knows Your (Maiden) Name

Facebook: Where you can reconnect with old friends and then continue ignoring them.

They really shouldn't call it Facebook. Maybe Statusbook. Or FindYourFriendsButDon'tTalkToThemBook. Or TrackMyBejeweledScoreBook.

In my case, Fatbook: Where you can sit on your butt all day and pretend you've been connecting with people while your kids go neglected and scrounge the corners of rooms for nutritious crumbs.

I suspected I had been spending too much time online:

* When there was something sitting in front of the monitor blocking my view and I tried to move it with the cursor arrow.

* When I wanted to find a passage in a book I'm reading and my first thought was to hit Control+F.

* When clarifying what neighbor I was referring to in conversation, I included their maiden name. "I hear Jennifer Schrader Miller is pregnant."

* When my thoughts throughout the day were in "status" form.
Adhis is eating oatmeal.

Adhis feels so lonely she could cry might cry bawled her eyes out.

Adhis found $50 in her pants pocket. Must have been slipped in by a passer-by gone ga-ga while she was waddling down the grocery aisles.

Fatbook is too instant and fleeting. Make a witty comment on someone's status, and a day later, you have to wade through "Show Older Posts" in order to pull up the hilarity.

Online conversations in general can be problematic as a comment extended in calmness or sarcasm can instantly be misconstrued as an attack, depending on the reader's frame of mind. I was inadvertently offending people left and right. At least, on my blog, I can offend people just a couple times a week. (If you'd like it to be more often, shoot me an email, and I'll respond with just how fat your Mama is.)

I decided to take a hiatus from Fatbook for a while. A week? Two weeks? Who knows. I deactivated my account which erases all traces of me from everyone's FB account: photos I posted, notes I tagged, comments I made. I gave a few days' notice this time around since the first time I deactivated some people thought I had found fault with them and had blocked them. If you hadn't heard already, or if I happen to be one of the people whose FB activity you had hidden, just know I didn't block you.

Life without Fatbook has been great! Since then, I spent 12 hours willing away the urge to puke, almost starved and dehydrated myself, and had a nervous breakdown. But I hear it's typical of the first hour of deactivation. It should be smooth sailing from here on out. And that's a status you can "like."

[Posted song: "Where Everybody Knows Your Name"]


Sarah said...

Sarah likes this.

Keri said...

now THAT is hilarious!!! I actually have a hard time posting status updates because I just don't feel like anyone cares what I make for dinner or if I am changing another poopy diaper....or eating oatmeal.

I love the connect with old friends I have not seen in 12 years, just to ignore them!! you are seriously the funniest person I have ever read, or known. I tend to offend quite often as well.... oh well.

Kristen said...


You are one of a kind.

Ben and I both agree that a great kind of friend is one that you can go a long time without seeing and then pick up right where you left off. Low maintenance. Maybe that's why it feels good to have a hefty list of "friends" even though you don't post to each other's wall every day.

But yeah, Facebook definitely requires self-control. Enjoy your break.

Joyful Mother of Children said...

You need a "dislike" button... (how many times have you read THAT comment on Fatbook?) lol

Kelly(M&M) said...

One of my favorite posts!! And thanks to you, I am Facebook-less this week also. I want to check in on Sundays, but it is too disruptive during the week. Thanks for the push to detox. :-)