Today, I was driving on I-15 on my way to the grocery store. I was in the fast lane getting ready to switch to the right lane in anticipation of my exit coming up when I realized that the black Mazda in the center lane had been matching my speed for some time. He wouldn't let me get over! I slowed down, he slowed down. I sped up, he sped up. Anywhere from 60-75mph, I had a side shadow snickering.
I headed for 80mph, and he sped up. I hit my brakes and the guy slowed down. My exit was coming up. I yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" and angrily motioned for him to do so. He yelled back, gesturing with his hands, and smiling the whole time. What the heck was he thinking?? Didn't he see my baby in the back seat?
So, I did what any self-respecting citizen would do.
I yelled to Baby Dhis "HANG ON!," and I hit the gas.
Mazda kept up with me. I hit into the rocket accelerator gear and flames spewed from my exhaust pipe.
80mph... 85mph... 90mph... 110mph...
Mazda kept right up. I pulled hard on my steering wheel and slammed into his car. Baby Dhis grabbed on to the bar on her car seat. I slammed him again. He slammed back. I deployed the spinning blades from my hubcaps and ripped into his car body. Sparks flew. The driver reached his arm out of his window and threw an oil grenade in my lane. It was too late by the time I noticed the slick in front of me, and I was sent sliding and spinning across all lanes.
I attempted to shoot out his tires with my semi-automatic headlight machine guns to no avail. From my trunk, I ejected a spike strip; it landed in front of the Mazda. The driver's face turned to terror. There was a deafening explosion as his tires slid across the spikes. His car screeched out of control and hit the concrete barricade, sending the driver through his windshield, soaring through the air, arms flailing, and straight into an open jail cell in the police station. He hit the back wall, slid down it, and bumped the cell door closed. A cop standing nearby flashed the thumbs-up sign. The townspeople cheered and there was a parade in my honor.
Baby Dhis gave me a high five and we headed back to our exit. We were able to finish our grocery shopping with only a scratch on our car, but that was already there from when my little brothers slid across the hood.
Black Mazda, I better not ever see you again.