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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Special Ham

I found 4 expired square cans while I was taking inventory of my food storage. To be honest, I'm surprised they're in my house. I must have thought by the time the expiration date came about a catastrophe would have hit, and I would have traded these cans for a carton of cigarettes. (And then traded the carton for a car. Those nicotine addicts will do anything for smokes!)

Or is it Mmmm? Who can turn down Virginia Baked Ham Taste! (Note they didn't leave it at "ham.") With a name like Treet, you KNOW it's gonna be good!

I can't recall having eaten and enjoyed Spam. Yeah, I know the can says Treet, but really, who are we kidding? (Did you know I've been to the Spam Museum? There I learned that Spam got its name at a party when a guest abbreviated SPiced hAM. Get it?)

Anyway, I studied the can like a monkey discovering a can. It took some woman power and some meat juice splashing onto my neck, but I got the lid peeled off. ("Peel me open a can of meat, will ya?") (It just isn't right.)

I poked at the pinkish matter and tried to jiggle it out. I slid a knife around it and turned the can upside down. Out came a perfectly square chunk of meat. (Which part of the pig is the perfectly square part? I forgot.)

I'm a nutrition label reader, and, sometimes, I wish I was not. I was horrified to find that just eating 1/6 of this meat contained nearly the fifth of a day's worth of fat and cholesterol and 1/3 of the day's worth of salt. Unless I just wanted to suck on a flabby piece of pink, that's not counting any other ingredients I want to add to it.

I cut off approximately 1/6 of mechanically separated meat parts and then realized I had no idea what to do with this kind of food. What do I do with the other 5/6ths? What about the other 3 cans? (Side note: It was kind of disturbing how easily my butter knife went through the chunk. I've had a tougher time slicing through butter.)

I did the next logical and geometric thing. I sliced the slice of square into tiny baby squares. (Awww, cute!) Then, I threw them in a skillet and added onions and eggs.

It was ok.

What do I do with the rest of the "ham taste" product? I've already figured out I can use the juice as perfume, but I need recipes! Share your best, healthier (relatively-speaking) recipes for 90-degree-angled, compressed animal parts. I know you've got them!


The Silvia Family said...

I have used this stuff in "ham" fried rice. Not bad. (Not as good as the real thing but I guess that goes without saying).

Heidi said...

I'm feeling a little queasy just hearing you write about it. YUCK. Good luck with that. I recommend taking it to neighbors with a pretty bow on top.

Adhis said...

Mindy: I'll give it a go.

Heidi: Your suggestion makes me want to take it to a neighbor who makes pretty bows.

Kristen said...

SPiced hAM, huh... So where did online spamming get it's name? I was waiting for you to give some reference to it. So disappointing.

I think the eggs and spam were a great idea. Maybe a potato casserole? Breakfast burritos? Kebabs? Peanut butter and spammy sandwich?

Englishfam said...

I know Callie and Jon LOVE spam and could give you some for me, I grew up eating it sliced and fried with potatoes. Not bad, but have I made it in my adult life? No. My dad still loves it. He'll cook some for himself then throw the rest away.

Jackie (updated profile) said...

Oh dear heavens!! Throw it out! Who knows what its made of. We had to eat that crap when we were kids, One of my bitterest memories.

Joyful Mother of Children said...

Well, in Hawaii spam is a delicacy. Maybe not a delicacy, but is truly loved. This recipe was given to me from a girl who served her mission in Hawaii. It's actually really good, but if you were already concerned about salt content, be forewarned that you are adding soy to this...yes, a LOT of salt.


a not so desperate housewife said...

we do LOVE just have to cook it right. the thinner you slice it and the crispier it gets, the yummier it is. our favorite is to cut it thin and cook like bacon and then eat it with over easy eggs and rice. a little soy sauce and diced tomatoes and i PROMISE you'll be a convert. all the other suggestions are super, i just have to make sure it's diced small and that it's crispy. otherwise, i die. i can't stand it. the end.

chelon:) said...

eww! really...i just puked in my mouth reading this post! eww! on a side note, my father-in-law absolutely loves this stuff! i don't think i could stomach it. ENJOY!

Utah_Dave said...

OK, I tried eating spam for the first time today. I cut it thin and made an omelette out of it. The first few bites weren't bad, but as I continued eating I got more and more sick to my stomach.

I'm thinking I should have cooked it until it was crispier. Maybe I'll try again in a few days.

Adhis said...

Saw this today:
Spam thoughts take her back.