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Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Color of Death

This morning, I almost died.

I was sitting at the computer sipping on my morning drink when my face started feeling warm, and then SWOOSH, it suddenly got hot. It was burning. BURNING! I rushed to the bathroom mirror and found my face was red and splotchy, and it felt like it was on fire! Of course, I remained rational and thought, "I'm dying."

To say I FUH-REAKED would be an understatement.

I called David on his cell phone and told him of my impending death. He said, "You're fine. Take a Benadryl and relax."

So, I took photos instead while he was on the phone in denial about my terminal state.

I hung up with my non-sympathizer and called my dad. No answer. I called my mom. She answered. (Looking back, I should re-evaluate the order of my I-Am-Dying phone tree. Maybe throw "911" somewhere closer to the top.)

So, my mom used to be a nurse a long, long time ago before they invented nurses. She was the first one. Her nurse cap was a fig leaf and her stethoscope was a tin can on a shoelace. Regardless of long-ago-ness, she remembered stuff.

I described to her my pre-death symptoms and she calmly said, "Oh, it's a niacin rush. You're fine. It will go away in 30 minutes or so." I googled while she spoke. (BTW, niacin is vitamin B3.)(Google found this.)(And this.)

My sister heard about my dying from my mom and called me to reassure me it was indeed a niacin rush and that she, too, was scared the first time she experienced one.

Then, as the compassionate Aubrey guessed upon my retelling of my experience: my cousin's best friend's dog's owner's mom called to tell me to stop freaking out because EVERYONE knew it was the niacin.

Well, *I* didn't know.

I went down to the kitchen and looked on the labels of the only things I had ingested thus far and found that the antioxidant supplement I had taken included 100% Daily Value of niacin. The thermogenic supplement I had taken had 60% of the DV of niacin. The drink I used to swallow them had 40% of the DV of niacin. In a couple gulps, I had taken 200% of the DV in one sitting. Hello, heatwave!

About a half hour later, my face still felt a little tingly and looked slightly pinkish, but I actually looked better than I have in a long time! My skin was plumper and my face looked younger. I'd like to say I'm vain enough to incorporate niacin sandwiches into my lunches, but, alas, I'm a wuss.

An hour later, my dad called and said, "Hey, I saw you called, and I missed it. What's up?"

I nonchalantly said, "Oh, I was dying."

He laughed and said, "I heard. Mom told me." He then reinforced the new lesson I had learned about niacin and went on to say he was jealous. JEALOUS. (I have weird parents, but that's another story that may never get blogged.) He was jealous that I had had a niacin rush. Apparently, he used to initiate them a lot in the past and that they are helpful before workouts, but that he didn't get them very often anymore. (Upon further research, I found that niacin flushes are indeed beneficial.)



thinking... thinking...



So, yeah, in short, I had a near-death experience this morning. I now have a new appreciation for life. Colors look more vivid. Air smells more airy. Water is waterier.

Folks, hug your children a little tighter tonight.

[Posted song: "Help" by The Beatles]

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Wal-Mart Trap

A new Smith's Marketplace opened up close to our neighborhood. We've all been waiting for a grocery store, any grocery store really, to open nearer to our 'hood. There are 5 grocery stores all 5 miles away from us, which apparently is too far away. All the exercise my right foot has to endure in applying pressure to the gas pedal of my car is un-American. Thank goodness for the new Smith's Marketplace! It is only 4.9 miles away!

Don't let the "market" in the name fool you to think it's a down-home neighbory feelgood kinda place. You won't see Old Man Brown selling corn in one booth and Mrs. Miller in another spinning tales while knitting warm, colorful scarves. This market is a glam, brilliantly-lit 170,000 square feet of superdupermarkethood including sections designated for department store clothes, a small bistro, and a large collection of home decor. One hundred seventy-thousand feet means lots of ouch for my two feet from just touring the (enter curse word) place. A garden center, a drive-through pharmacy, a fuel center. All in the name of convenience. So, instead of driving 5 miles to a grocery store, I get to walk 5 miles within one. (Did I mention the place is big?)

David and I were trying to love the store, to be happy for its presence, to finally get away from our WalMart dependence. We decided to pick up diapers and baby formula. The store brand cost $2 more than the WalMart brand. We wandered over to clothing. I saw a wool coat for $80 that I swore I saw advertised at another store for $40. I picked one out for me in the name of we're-already-here convenience. I wanted a plant pot for our outdoor Christmas tree, $35. We might as well, we're here. Picked up a gift for a relative, $15 for two pairs of socks. Hmm. I conveniently paid.

Dave wanted to pick up a Trivial Pursuit game for his father, $40. I drew the line. $40 for something NOT for me??? I don't think so.

All in all, our let's-go-check-out-the-new-Smith's trip cost $173. Window-shopping is expensive these days. (Darn economy.)

Dave, determined to buy a Trivial Pursuit game for his father, dropped me off at home, went to WalMart and returned, Trivial Pursuit in hand. Price: $20.

WalMart: It's a dependency/hate relationship. Always.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Something Cleverish

Today is my birthday! HOORAY!
And I just got an email about this:

This is the book I got published in to help raise money for NieNie! HOORAY!

I don't know which story of mine made it into the book! HOORAY!

And now you, too, can hooray, guffaw, and giggle all the live long day by purchasing the paperback or the downloadable copy here.

"The Something Cleverish book features posts from forty-three funny bloggers - all for one great cause. We even managed to rope in a few celebrity submissions from Finslippy, Eric D. Snider, Rocks in My Dryer, Big Mama, Sweetney, Daring Young Mom, TAMN and more. (You can find a list of all of the bloggers included in the book here.)"

All proceeds go to the NieNie Recovery Fund.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dinner Talk

As I eat my dinner at the kitchen table, I hear the click-clack-click-clack of Indy's claws tapping the linoleum as he scours the perimeter of the room looking for crumbs and dropped ingredients from the meal's preparation. Upon finding nothing in the tidy woman's kitchen, he heads for his food bowl. He stops in front of it, sees the same pile of tan kibbles he saw the day before and the day before that (and the day before that one). He looks up at me as if to say, "What? Have I not been a good pet?"

I say to him, "Oy. This again? What about a little gratitude?"

And he says, "Hey, I'm just sayin'. Haven't I given you years of cuddles, play, and hilarity? And THIS is what you have to give in return? A couple cups of stale pebbles from a 2-month-old bag of discount dog food?"

"It wasn't discounted. I paid full price."

He seems irked. "C'mon, throw a dog a bone!"

I explain, "Bones could kill you. They can splinter and puncture your internal organs leading to a painful death."

"I know," he sighs. "I was just testing you." His shoulders drop and I hear him say under his breath, "We all have our vices."

Then, Indy looks down at his bowl and resigns to his fate. He grabs a mouthful of food, chews it with his mouth open, and forces himself to gulp the mass down.

I turn back to the table and eat my dinner in silence.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

One Month

Yeah, so since I've known Mariah (4+ years now?), she has always been dabbling in some sort of crazy science or social experiment. Really. (I can already hear Mariah laughing and saying "what??!" when she reads this.) Yeah, really.

The experiment that got her to finally venture into the blog world is her No More Grocery Shopping experiment in which she prepped to store enough food to sustain her family of six without grocery shopping for one month. AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HUNT!

Well, it turns out she and her family survived without developing scurvy. There were a few messes made along the way, but that's to be expected when you're nuts. (Wink.) Her experiment began here. And she's thinking about doing it AGAIN.

Enough about her. Now about me, me, ME!

(cue choir of angels)

So, I decided to copy her.
Sort of.

I didn't prepare or meditate or clean or make room for the experiment.
I just wrote up some meals that I thought would last for the month and then went shopping. Probably not the BEST strategy to just jump in and starve the family in the name of copy-cat science, but really, it's just me and The Dave. Baby Dhis only needs formula and water to survive. That's easy to stock up on. (HELLO! Look at all the snow outside!) And the dog, well, let's just say that his Kotex days have proven that he's not a very picky eater. (Oh, yeah. I went THERE.)

Anyway, it's the first month, so obviously, I went for easy so as not to overwhelm myself trying to balance macronutrients and variety.

And then, while at the store, I thought, "Might as well get all the fruits and vegetables for the snacks and salads." So, I did. Spinach, green leaf and romaine. Bell peppers, onions, asparagus, and a bag of potatoes. Bananas, tangerines, oranges, grapes, and two kinds of apples.


New rule: going back for fresh produce every two weeks is acceptable.
I don't have a farm. (HELLO! Look at all the snow outside!)

So it is January 8th, and I think we're doing ok. Check back with me on January 28th when we're rationing garbanzos and eating imagination sandwiches.

And if you see The Dave smuggling pizzas, totally call him on it. In the name of science.

Monday, January 5, 2009

2009 IsaBody Challenge

Ok, it's time for the 3rd annual IsaBody Challenge! Here's a chance to win up to $10,000 in cash for getting in shape and improving your health!

The challenge in years past has helped thousands of people experience amazing results with the Isagenix products, and you can be a part of those success stories. The contest runs from January 2 through June 15. Participants are encouraged to register and begin immediately.

Here's the 4-page flyer on the contest and the results of some of last year's winners.

IsaBody Challenge Categories
Individual Categories
• Men: 18-35 • Women: 18-35
• Men: 36–49 • Women: 36-49
• Men: 50 and Over • Women: 50 and Over

Group Category*
• Groups of 2–6 people

IsaBody Challenge Prizes
The Grand Prize Winner will receive $5,000(USD) cash in addition to their 1st Place cash prize.**

Each Individual Category will have 5 winners:
1st Place Winners - $5,000(USD) cash
2nd Place Winners - $2,000(USD) cash
3rd Place Winners - $1,000 (USD) cash
4th and 5th Place Winners - $500(USD) cash

The Winning Group will receive $5,000(USD) cash.

1st, 2nd, 3rd Place and the winning Group will receive a free trip to 2009 “Living Your Dream” Celebration 2009 in Anaheim, CA (includes roundtrip airfare and hotel). All winners will receive free registration to the 2009 “Living Your Dream” Celebration and will be recognized on stage at the event.

I would be so happy to cheer people I know on to meet their health goals! Contact me at if you are serious about participating!

For more information, complete rules, and a video about this contest, visit

*All members of the group category must be 18 or over. Participants who enter as a Group may not also enter the Individuals categories.
** One Grand Prize Winner will be selected from the first place winners in the six Individual categories.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Sister Cashier

Dear Sister Cashier,
I have just put my intended purchases onto your conveyor belt in groups: the produce with the produce, the breads and starches for the pantry, the frozen pizza with the ice cream, the canned foods in stacks together, and the household non-foods at the end. I did it because I won't have time to put everything away right when I get home as the baby is hungry and her diaper needs changing. This way, I can quickly put the frozen and refrigerated foods away before tending to The Little Highness.

Please, feel free to disregard the work I've done. Spread all the cans into 6 different bags. In one of those bags, include a loaf of bread and a bag of celery. In the others, mix a variety from different categories so I must search for the frozen peas underneath the Kleenex. Drop the grapes in with the canned yams. Put the paper plates over them, so I don't think to look there when putting food away. Continue with your conveyor belt potpourri. Spin the grocery bag carousel like it's the Wheel of Fortune. Round and round and round it goes, where the cheese will end up, nobody knows.

Yes, of course, why wouldn't I want the chicken with the apples. The tortillas with the frozen foods? Perfect. I like my tortillas a little soggy. And when I lug the toiletries up to my bathroom, I don't mind finding the rice between the tampons and the feminine napkins. I was going down to the kitchen again anyway.

It's alright. I know you're just trying to cheer me up with a game of grocery shop hide n' seek. I enjoy your playfulness.

Now, where'd you put the eggs?

Thank you, Sister Cashier.