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Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Boogie Woman

My responsibilities as a mom (to nurture and to love, to lead and to guide, to nourish and to protect) have all taken a back seat to gathering booger berries. Apparently, my primary job at this point in my daughter's life is to pick out her boogies. As delicious as this responsibility sounds, it isn't without its drawbacks. First, my daughter's life goal is to prevent me from reaching said boogies. Second, there's the incompatibility in the size of her nostril and the girth of any of my fingers. Third, there's the challenge in trying to insert what can only be described as a small turkey baster into her tiny nose without suctioning out her hypothalamus.

Why even bother with a boogie hunt? I don't want to do it, she doesn't want it done. Sounds like an amicable solution. Unfortunately, her nose hoards boogies like a Mormon mom hoards #10 cans of potato pearls. By 6am, Baby Dhis wakes up packed with mint mucus and not able to breathe. This is a full hour before I would like her to wake. It's a full two hours before *I* would like to wake. So, each day, the bugle sounds the hunt for the little green goblins.

Let me add that this sweet tiny angel has HUMONGOUS snot. Proportionally speaking, if I had a boogie as big as hers, I'd look like I had a green penny as a sewer cover for my nostril. (Lovely image, isn't it? Try not to stare the next time I see you.)

I am fully aware that this new addition to the Mom job description has cost me the last two Cool Points I had left. I lost my first few when I began adorning my daughter's peach fuzz head with a flower or bow while my hair stayed relegated to a banana clip. The uncoolness snowballed after I squealed at the sight of a diaper sale. No more Cool Points, nothing else to lose. Bring on the tapered-leg Mom Pants.

[Posted song: "Boogie Oogie Oogie" by A Taste of Honey]

7 comments:

Aubrey said...

I was choking on my snot while I was reading this! HAHAHA That just MADE my day! Glad you've come down on the cool scale with the rest of us mom's :)

Joyful Mother of Children said...

It's really not fair that your cool scale has more numbers than mine! Yeah, it's like an obsession. Ooooo, I gotta get that boogie! And if you try to ignore the boogie, it starts yelling at you, "Hey you, lady! You gonna leave me here?! Hey you!" No, they really do...

Lyns said...

I'm gonna be honest, my gag reflexes are in hyper drive at this point in my life, so you'll be glad to know that I gagged through your entire post. That's all!

chelon:) said...

eeeeewwwww! jk...i too love to pick baby boogies!! heck, i will pick anyones boogies!! hahaha lol :)

Emilee said...

Chelon can come pick my twins' boogies. In fact just the other day my husband and I were talking about the things we were not looking forward to once the twins were born. Mine just happened to be the booger getter (artfully described by you as the turkey baster). I said I understood that motherhood means touching poo (a friend of mine has offered to cross stich that phrase on a pillow for me), but I didn't think I would be capable of mastering the booger getter without gagging and perhaps vomiting on my children. I then insinuated (through a cleverly crafted story about how my sister couldn't do boogers so her husband would) that he be in charge of all baby boogers. He promptly responded "no way." So it appears that my children will never be able to breath or their mom needs to suck it up.

Adhis said...

Or suck it out, as the case may be.

Kristen said...

I'm sure you don't want advice but you know me - I can't resist. Which is funny because my NUMBER ONE pet peeve in life is unsolicited advice. And here I go anyway.

Our little one had a hard time with this. They all do but she was bad. A nonstop humidifier in her room helped immensely. And shoot her up with saline drops before you start slurping boogers. Both of those help thin it out, before and after it gets bad. After all, her sinuses are just trying to stay moist and heal. Good luck!