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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Like Christmas

The other day, as the sun penetrated my window and lightly coated me in warmth, I found myself mindlessly humming a holiday carol. Caught off-guard, I had to verify in my mind what month it is. Then, I realized I feel like Christmas inside.

For the last few days, my insides have felt like music, motion and aliveness. I’m excited for no particular reason. I sense my purpose thinly veiled. My heart feels fully open, and I am conscious of the humanness of those I pass and of those with whom I interact.

I feel like Christmas inside, like I’m in a season of giving of myself, in a season to share of that which I thought I did not have enough. I feel blessed, strong, and abundant.

Just the week prior, I felt panicked and desperate. No circumstance has changed but a wand of peace has been waved over me and my heart has been lightened and enlightened. I feel awake and alert, present and in the moment.

I am fully aware of my connection to humanity, to God. I am entwined with everyone: strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family. They are all a piece of my existence and energy. My heart notices and understands the emotions playing in their hearts, though I rarely voice it.

I feel incredible clarity and peace. The layers on the onion of my fears are peeling away. With each layer, painful memories resurface like angry little gremlins, and after a few minutes, they look like little children dancing in costumes. And I feel OK. I feel glad. I feel free. I float above the chaos of the storm. I didn’t know I was allowed to feel so happy already!

A desire burns within me to do what I can to elevate the downtrodden heart and the downcast eyes, to lift burdens a little. I feel like the Savior’s hands. I feel a need to do His will and I have no desire to know in advance what it is. Just guide me and I’ll flow with it, Lord.

If these words seem vague and don’t quite make sense, it’s because the only words I can think of to accurately describe my current state is “I feel like Christmas.”

[Posted song: "There's No Feeling Like Christmas"]

(photo by brockvicky)


James and Heather English said...

You definitely uplifted me yesterday with your nice comment. Thank you for that. I'm glad you are in a good place, it's nice to recognize it the hard part is keeping it there!

Sarah said...

I love the way you describe things. It makes me go, "Oh ya, I know that feeling." I especially like the part about the onion. Sometimes you gotta let those fears surface so you can see just how silly they are. Good post.

Kat said...

What a sweet blog. Christmas is one of my most favorite times of the year just for that reason. It is a peaceful time of year, and a time to feel close to our Heavenly Father. A time to help others. You have helped me remember that it can be like that all year long, even without the carols. LOL :) Even though I am a closet Christmas Carol listener all year long. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone! He he he. Thanks for your sweet blog.

Adhis said...

Kat, your secret is safe with me.