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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Heading South

With summer coming to an end and the weather cooling, my thoughts have turned to those lovely critters heading south: my boobs. It's been almost 4 months since I gave birth, and I'm unhappily noticing my body going into Autumn. The leaves on my head are clogging the bathtub drain, my body is stockpiling fat for hibernation and, most disconcerting of all, The Girls are heading south.

The Girls have always looked straight ahead, determined and focused, but lately they're looking slightly down as if scanning for loose change on the sidewalk. I had heard that pregnancy and maturity would change my bosom, but like most of the things that people tell me, I didn't believe them. Now, I'm dreading that The Girls will soon be ON the ground searching for a lost contact lens.

The Girls first made their debut in 5th grade. I thought I could will them back into my chest cavity, or more like if I ignored them, they'd go away. This means that I went without "support" much longer than I should have. When my mom finally took me to buy The Girls a sling, I became angry. If she'd just ignore them too they'd go away. Why was she feeding their ego with attention? I willfully remained naive about my body looking any different. I decided to go with a theory akin to another I had held onto tightly for also too long just a few years earlier: if my eyes are closed, I'll become invisible. So, I thought "as long as I have a big shirt on, they don't exist."

There were several theories I held onto for way too long in my life. A few:
~ As I mentioned, if I close my eyes, no one can see me. (The reason I was ever caught or found, is because I peeked to see if the other person was gone and caused the invisible shield to break.)
~ I was a boy, and I could pee like one if I just practiced. (If only the bathroom door facing the kitchen table where everyone was sitting for breakfast hadn't swung open just then.)
~ If I stare at the sun long enough, I can change it to another color. (I'll never know if I could have avoided wearing glasses by not spending so much time proving this theory.)
~ If I spent enough time meditating on it, I could will my body to grow to 6 feet tall. (I'm 5'3" and I still think it's because I lost focus.)
~ If I'm not careful when playing with my parents' clock radio, I'll screw up the time in the entire world by one hour. (This I, of course, shared with my class at Show 'N' Tell the following Monday.)
~ The time/weather guy on the phone is rude and doesn't stop to listen when you attempt to tell him that the time he's quoting is incorrect because I messed with my parents' clock. (Luckily, the multitude of phone calls I made to him were free.)
~ Santa takes his sled and reindeer on test runs at dusk. (I made sure to tell my 5th grade teacher I saw him flying over our backyard.)

So, see, my big shirt theory was going to fix this problem. (Think about the last time you saw me, you didn't even KNOW I had boobs! This bright girl is always thinking.)

In 5th grade, I went to the principal's office to pick out a prize from a jar and a kindergartener looked at me and turned to her friend and said, "she's in college." I just thought it was because I was soooo tall. (I was still faithfully meditating on my height then.)

In middle school, my friend Aleshia told a boy on the bus that I was actually in high school but just riding the bus with the middle schoolers. Yeeah.

In high school, I couldn't understand why I was so popular in the mostly male Army JROTC program or why older students were surprised when I mentioned I was a freshman. I figured it was because I did my make-up just right. Do you notice a pattern of denial?

By this time, I had largely ignored The Girls since all the other girls had "girls" of their own. But it wasn't long before MY girls came up in conversation. I was in JROTC and my military dress shirt and jacket had to be ordered in because I could not fit in the ones already in the supply room. This brought the long ignored elephant in the room front and center. I became embarrassed and fell back on my trusty, if-I-wear-a-big-shirt-no-one-will-notice. I figured it had only failed because the shirt wasn't big enough, so I upgraded to size XL and XXL shirts to hide in. Near the end of my senior year, I was describing my dress for the prom by following my silhouette with my hands to demonstrate how the dress was fitted and one of my guy friends said "you have a small waist!" It had never occurred to me that the big shirts did not hide my chest, they just hid the rest of my body.

Fast-forward to 2004 when I'm 29. One would think denial would have jumped ship long ago, but it was indeed still a dear friend in my lingerie drawer. I was hanging out with about 9 other women in my old neighborhood when one of the teeny tiny slim girls mentioned something about being a 32 C or something. I looked at her small frame and laughed at the disillusioned girl. I said "You're not a C! *I'm* a C!" and continued chuckling at the poor misguided soul. Her eyes lit up and she yelled "Hey, everybody! Hey! Adhis thinks she's a C!" All the other conversations in the room halted and everyone turned to us. I thought "just wait until everyone corrects her on her bra size." Suddenly, the room exploded into a caucaphony of WHAT?!'s, whatever's, yeah-right's, and HAHAHAHAHAHA's. Confused, I pointed to the friend and mocked "SHE thinks she's a C!" They looked at her and said, "She probably is. YOU need to get measured!"

I moved out of that neighborhood a month later. I didn't want anything to do with such ludicrous women! (And we had just bought a house, but ignore that part.) About 5 months into my new neighborhood, I don't remember where, I don't remember how, but somehow, my chest became the topic of conversation. (I don't know why boobs come up in conversation with a group of women; I really don't. I just know it isn't me who starts it.) I shared the story of the crazy women in my last neighborhood. This caused a crescendo of laughter. In the following months, I regularly got nagged with "did you get measured yet?", "There's an Oprah this week about women who wear the wrong size bra," and "Are you going to go in soon?"

Well, hello, nice to meet you, too. Since I couldn't afford to move again and buy another house, I got The Girls professionally weighed measured.

I was 3 or 4 cups off. I didn't even know bra cups went past D, and I just drove right past it. I just didn't know. It's hard to know someone when you've ignored them and shamed them into hiding for years.

So, what's the point? The Girls are looking down! And it's all my fault. I ignored them so long that now they're depressed.

Maybe if I cross my fingers and wear flower-print shirts, they'll head back north at the sign of spring. Yeah, that'll do it.

[Posted song: "Brick House" by The Commodores]
Please, make sure to vote in the poll regarding music autoplay.

26 comments:

Heidi said...

Adhis, I needed a good chuckle! Thanks for sharing the sad truth. I have never been THAT well endowed, but the little there is has definately changed with each child and NOT for the better. You crack me up with your honesty, THANK YOU!

Nathalie Smith said...

That's why you wore big shirts?! HA,HA,HA,HA,HA,HA! I thought it you were trying to be overly modest. Or just a headbangers style.

Katy said...

Yeah, I always liked to consider myself a C cup, too, but truth be told I was equally delusional - in the other direction, though, obviously! Haha! Oh, the coveted C!! LOL!

But, uh, I hate to tell you..... they're never coming back up!! Flower print shirt or no, once they start dropping it's truly the beginning of the end.

Janet said...

I read your blog all the time, and I decided that I finally have to comment. That post was SO funny! You are so creative and honest!! Thanks for the laugh!

Sheree said...

Someone once told me that a few years after you are done nursing the fat stores gradually build back up and your chest re-inflates. I am hanging onto that hope--because heaven knows Simone isn't going to be nursing through preschool. And I know I am not ready to know the full damage. It's been 5 years since I wasn't PG or breastfeeding. I'm scared.

James and Heather English said...

I feel your pain Adhis, I really do. The worst for me is having to go to the specialty store when I'm nursing and get the BIGGEST size they have! Ok, so there was one size bigger but it made the effect of my story more dramatic! Thanks for the laughs and honesty. You are the greatest!

Sunni said...

Wow. I'm with Sheree. I always dread the time when the milk supply dries up and I get to see the full extent of the damage. It seems to get worse with each kid too. My 90 year old granny once told me that she has 2 empty sacks with marbles in the bottom. I hate the fact that I know exactly what my granny is talking about...

Kat said...

Adhis, I am seriously on the floor laughing. And girl, I hear your pain. I am the one that had to go back to the store after my mom bought me some nursing bras, and had to explain to the lady that they were too small, and then she informed me that that was the biggest size they carried. I was humiliated. Yeah, they don't get any smaller, and they don't get any perkier. Just think, most men would kill to have a woman so well endowed. :) At least that is what I keep telling myself. PS, I LOVE the music. It is one of my favorite songs of all time.

Christi said...

A good plastic surgeon is worth his weight in gold.

chelon:) said...

i agree with christi....the plastic surgeon will be your new best friend. i am still laughing at the "c" comment because i was there!! you are crazy :)

Sara Lynes said...

I was in the room the first time Adhis said she was a "c". Hillarious. Being well endowded myself I knew she was grossly underestimating her size. Sorry Adhis sad but true. Anyhow, mine will rise from the dead someday, with the help of a surgeon. I will be a perky size "d". Oh and when I am, I won't ignore them, but I might take advantage of not having to wear a bra. I've rarely gone braless sense 3rd grade!!! Yeah my mom used to take me to sears and try bras on over my clothes in the store. Not in the dressing room... I could have died!

Sara Lynes said...

I was in the room the first time Adhis said she was a "c". Hillarious. Being well endowded myself I knew she was grossly underestimating her size. Sorry Adhis sad but true. Anyhow, mine will rise from the dead someday, with the help of a surgeon. I will be a perky size "d". Oh and when I am, I won't ignore them, but I might take advantage of not having to wear a bra. I've rarely gone braless sense 3rd grade!!! Yeah my mom used to take me to sears and try bras on over my clothes in the store. Not in the dressing room... I could have died!

Adhis said...

Thanks, Sara, for leaving a comment for each of The Girls.

the mama hood said...

This post is hilarious, but I am not laughing at you I am laughing with ya! I had the same issues, but I also had big booty issues that my friends liked to tease me about..lol...I was pretty darn cute back then, but only now I have learned to appreciate how great I looked then...five kids later...lol!

Sue said...

Bwa ha ha ha I had similar issues. I was never in denial about it, but large large shirts were my friends.

And your comment on my last post made me chuckle, so thanks. :>

The Thompson Family said...

Hey Adhis, I think that tiny girl you are talking about is me? I remember that night and talking to you about boob size. I'm sorry if I offended, embarassed or made you feel bad, I didn't mean too. If it makes you feel any better, my boobs are saggy and sad too. My cousin who is pregnant with her first, tried to tell me to do push ups and chest excersizes and that my boobs would go right back to where they were before I had nursed 4 kids. I said " sorry honey, but your in for a rude awakeining!. No matter how many chest excersizes you do, they will NEVER go back to the way they were BEFORE!!!! with out surgery". I said "that's a myth! a old wives tale". She preceded to insist that this would work. I said,"good luck with that". No sense in argueing with someone who has had no experience with this kind of thing, she'll find out the truth soon enough. Again, I'm so sorry. I hope you'll forgive me.

Adhis said...

Ladies and gentlemen! Introducing, the teeny tiny girl who thinks she's a C cup. HAHAHAHAHA! Everybody laugh... with... me... oh.

Oh, Miss Heather, don't you worry about a thing. It was nothing that a couple years of therapy and three weeks as a hermit couldn't fix. ;)

TheOrttFamily said...

Hey I remember that story....haha..I see alot of stories and photos have made it to your log lately from our trip..good old times....and try losing 108 pounds and seeing where you boobs go...So sad :-( I don't even want to think about it..But thanks for the laugh..I feel ya!!

TheOrttFamily said...

Hey I remember that story....haha..I see alot of stories and photos have made it to your log lately from our trip..good old times....and try losing 108 pounds and seeing where you boobs go...So sad :-( I don't even want to think about it..But thanks for the laugh..I feel ya!!

Harmony said...

I LOVE this part: If I spent enough time meditating on it, I could will my body to grow to 6 feet tall. (I'm 5'3" and I still think it's because I lost focus.)

I might have snorted a litle bit of Mountain Dew while laughing about that.

Kristen said...

I've always heard of people like you. But surely it's not really YOU? Beautiful, confident, always perfect Adhis? Hmmm. You've moved on nicely from sweatshirts. I wish self-confidence were more evenly spread around by nature - some have too much, others could use more! I suppose we find our way eventually.

Remember the post where you claimed to be obese? Yeah, this was the issue on my mind. They do NOT factor "fullness" into BMI indexes anywhere, just for the record, and they should. You and I do not belong on the same scale, and please take that as a compliment.
=o)

Carolyn said...

Just surfin' the blogs and found you. I wanted to say Hi and nice Blog

Carolyn

Anderegg & Co. said...

OK, girl (or girls depending on which part of you I'm talking to), I guess maybe I'm not a "c" either, but I've seen what wonders plastic surgens can perform and dream of "my day" of being a "c". Maybe then I could buy a shirt that fit around the chest AND through the shoulders without the bulging buttons. And I've gotten larger after every baby! I thought they were supposed to go down!

Eric Lynes said...

To this day, when Sara and I see a woman who is wearing a bra too small, we refer to her as an "Adhis C."

Adhis said...

YESSS!! I knew I'd leave behind some sort of legacy!

::sigh::

TDawgYo said...

Hey, at least you're not a 24 year old with large, saggy boobs. Mine headed south a couple years ago. It's just sad.