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Saturday, August 16, 2008

... a whole lot a-that.

I am obese.

Now, wait, before you object, hear me out.

Last year, at the beginning of the pregnancy, I weighed 143. Two and a half months after giving birth, I weigh 154. Through the power of estrogen, I can hear two different reactions going on out there:
1) Pfft. That ain't nuttin'! I weighed 154 in kindergarten!
2) Gasp! I can't believe she just revealed her weight.

I'm going to derail for a second:
Why is the number such a SECRET if people can already see you and what shape and size you are?? Hello! Does the number really matter when it comes to appearance???

Back on track:
This week, my friend Aubrey measured me on her magical scale, which is how I found out how much I weigh, among other statistics about the sexy thing you know as Adhis. I don't care about the weight number since it doesn't distinguish what the weight is from (water, fat, muscle, hair), but I can tell that I lost a lot of muscle throughout my stagnant pregnancy. Also, my midsection looks like soft-serve ice cream that's getting softer and is slumping over the rim of a sugar cone, which, incidentally, is how I got a midsection that resembles aforementioned soft serve. (Mmmmmm... ice cream...)

So, what I *am* concerned with is my body composition: how much of my body is muscle or fat. Excess fat taxes the functions of the body and immune system and contributes to stress, illness and sluggishness, among other things. I'm not a fan of any of those.

Aubrey's magical scale told me what percentage of my body weight comes from fat: 34%. ONE THIRD of my body is fat. (Perhaps, I'll change my blog title to "A little bit Adhis, a WHOLE LOT a-that.") I was only familiar with Body Mass Index (BMI) (which, BTW, is going the way of the dodo) so, I was unsure at the time where 34% fell on the health spectrum. Being made of 1/3 of fat doesn't sound good when you take into account my body is also composed of bones, flesh, water, and charming personality, but who knows? Google did.

After a little internet search, I found that comparing BMI and fat percentage is like comparing apples to doctors. Wait-- that's a different blog entry. It's like comparing apples to Symphony bars (the one with extra toffee bits and almonds). (Mmmmm... Symphony bars...) I knew this already but had forgotten. (Don't tell my college fitness class instructor.) Anyway, it turns out that the body fat % charts I found online state that 34% is obese! This means only one thing: Aubrey's magical scale is actually a witch and must be burned at the stake!! (Mmmmm... steak...)

I'll admit I was a bit disconcerted when I found I had entered the obese classification, but thought "good to know!" Then, I remembered I just had a baby and am nursing. Yes, I do actually still forget those crucial things; I'm new to the club. I couldn't find a chart that takes these things into account. Does anyone know anything about that? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

I'm not making excuses for myself, I'm just big-boned. It's hereditary; I have the gene for caramelholicism. I'm just a full-figured girl with more junk in the trunk. I'm large and in charge! I put the fat in PHAT and that's where it's at! Eat, drink and be merry! (If I missed any of the other commonly-spouted excuses, please let me know because I'm sure it is also a reason for my current state.)
My doctor gave me the green light to work out about 3 weeks ago. I started walking and jogging and then a little injury I had been ignoring for 6 weeks started nagging for attention. I *think* I sprained my ankle a month and a half ago, but I don't remember anymore as I was maneuvering around my house with little to no sleep. I vaguely remember thinking something about something (am I being too specific?) being off in my ankle as I was walking down the stairs one day. Anyhoo, what has ensued in my attempt to "walk it off" may remind you of a song from childhood. Sing it with me!

"The sprained ankle is connected to the tight calf, the tight calf is connected to the achy knee, the achy knee is connected to the burning thigh, the burning thigh is connected to the pained hip, the pained hip is connected to the bad back!" Catchy little tune, ain't it? I bet you'll be singing it the rest of the day.

So what if I hurt my ankle while sneaking down to the kitchen at 2am to finish a carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a pound of Twizzlers. I've just always been this way! Plus, I was just pregnant. Never mind that my placenta was basically a blob of cake batter complete with candles and sprinkles. Don't get me wrong, I do SOME exercise. I jog whenever I hear the ice cream man and I have to speed-strip my couch for enough change to score a strawberry eclair ice cream bar before he leaves the neighborhood. (BTW, when did the ice cream man start driving so fast? I'm not a freakin' Olympic sprinter, Mr. Good Humor Man!)

Anyway, I'm not worried about my current state, but I know my mom reads this blog (I see you, Mom!) and she and my dad will be worrying about their newly obese daughter. Mom, remember that I did just have a baby-- your cute granddaughter. I *am* exercising just not at the intensity and frequency I want to yet. I am also carrying more fat to feed your cute granddaughter! I'm fine! I don't need you to stop by with special foods (unless they're double-churned and drizzled with strawberry sauce)! And if you do drop by, don't be alarmed if I start drooling when I look at you. I'm probably just hallucinating and see you like this:

[Posted song: "Fat Mama" by Herbie Hancock]

Update: I still haven't found a body fat % chart for postpartum, but I did find an age-adjusted chart. For my age and gender group, I am Overweight. Well, duh. But I guess that's better news than before.


James and Heather English said...

Adhis you are awesome. I love that you have the confidence to just lay it all out there! I went to Weight Watchers this morning and about cried when I stepped on the dreaded scale. But now my goal is lifetime membership and it's not even 20 pounds away, so that made me feel better atleast. As for you, YOU JUST HAD A BABY LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AGO!! Give yourself a break. I really loved it when someone told me "it took nine months to put it on so give it atleast nine months to come off." I really do believe that. Here's to getting healthy!

chelon:) said...

i have fifty pounds to go...yes i said fifty!! (i am trying to lose five kids worth of weight :) i am going to try my darndest...good luck to you too! i am sure that you look FABULOUS!!

Nathalie Smith said...

YOU ARE SUCH A DORK!! You made me laugh out loud a few times on this one, so pat yourself on your belly for a job well done!

Kat said...

Adhis, seriously, I LOVE YOU! You have such a way with words. I can't thank you enough for the laughter you have provided me tonight. BTW, laughing burns a lot of calories. "100 laughs are equal to the same calories burned in a 10-minute jog."
-- Dr. Dale Anderson
So, I got my exercise in for the day. LOL (See, I even just did extra exercise. Ha ha ha!) I totally understand about the ice cream fettish. I have one so bad! It was all I wanted to eat when I was pregnant with Brinley, and it hasn't stopped yet. Oh, and Bill says, that give the ice cream man another 30 second head start, and then try to catch up. It will give more of an exercise. LOL (More calories burned! Wahoo!) Good luck with everything! I can't wait to see you at Biggest Losers!

Sunni said...

First of all, you're hilarious. Secondly, I'm with those that believe 3 months postpartum is not enough time to be worrying about your weight. Thirdly, you're hilarious.

Heidi said...

You make me laugh! That was so funny. You look great, and yes, it's not time to worry about the baby fat. I on the other hand, it's been year...

Bruno, Zelda, Brunhilda, and Noni said...

I must say that whenever I come read your blog it makes me laugh. Very funny.

Adhis said...

Chelon, there will be no lying in this comment page, so turn your so-don't-need-to-lose-50-pounds butt around and show yourself out!

Joyful Mother of Children said...

Adhis, I love you. Who knows, maybe my scale IS wrong. Heaven knows that would make me feel better about the 49% reading it gave me! Feel free to burn it if it doesn't get better!

Sara Lynes said...

Hey Adhis! WE all LOVE YOU!!! You are fine. Don't worry, I know how you may feel right now, I have felt that way for about five kids now. You still have a husband that thinks you are smokin' H-O-T You will be your normal self again. Atleast that is what the optimistic, I only weigh 120lbs when I am pregnant women tell me. :)

(Gra)Ma Adhis said...

It is good that you take a look at yourself. Now, imagine what you would like to see and then start your journey, to regain your healthy lifestyle back. You mentioned stagnant pregnancy, and now you are recognizing the need to get those muscles back to tip top shape so start exercising ... everything in moderation and you'll be fine. It took you a year or so to get this way, it will take a year or so to restore your body.
So hurray for this wonderful machine we call body...celebrate it and shower it with all it needs. You'll be glad you did.

Sarah said...

Funny funny funny! As always!

Sunni said...

So I'm just wondering how that scale knows whether it is weighing bones, or fat, or water, or ATP, internal organs, etc. Don't scales just measure resistance.. period?

Adhis said...

Sunni-- Didn't you read? It's a MAGICAL scale.
Incidentally, when I stepped on the scale, it said, "Ouch! One of you please step off."

Actually, your question piqued my curiosity. Among other things, I found this

Side note: I found interesting, as did the person who compiled the list, that weight loss increases mortality rates, but Fat Loss lowers mortality rates.
I'm on the right track then!

kristen said...

adhis I think you might be the funniest person I have ever met. I want you to know that when ever I am down which isn't very often except when I look in the mirror at my self and see that same picture of the ice cream cone. I will come to your blog and I will laugh so hard that I cry and my belly gets sore after because I am laughing so hard. Then I think great, I just got my work out for the day. Thank you Adhis for the great work out you gave me.

Kristen Mecham

Kristen said...

Time to peruse all of my pregnancy books for that requested info. I know it's in there somewhere... somewhere... somewhere...

Kristen said...

I'm still trying to figure out why you began your blog by saying that WEIGHT doesn't matter (I agree), but by the end you are obsessing over what a scale of body mass breakdown says about you. Why is that number any more important?

You said it best with "Does the number really matter when it comes to appearance???"

You appear to be beautiful. The picture at the top of your blog is not the face of an obese woman. On your body you have extra "fat" to feed your baby - it was meant to be that way. Be happy! And give yourself more time!

But... If you think you should be doing things differently now, then maybe you should. Not because numbers say so, but because you know you'd feel better if you did. I love the feeling of getting back on track, even though it can be really hard.It feels good - not just emotionally but physically.

Good luck! You really are beautiful. I'm sure Dave doesn't mind your extra booty-liciousness. Throw out the scales and listen to YOU. =o)

bananaberry128 said...

did u say u have 10 extra pounds? waaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!! not!!!!!!!! yes u r crazy, u just had a baby, the first time is the worst to get over! it is also the easiest to lose.

u r too funny. i wish u where my mom!

Kristen said...

Good catch on my blog. I explained it a little better now, silly me.

Adhis said...

Kristen N--
I see the fat % number kind of like a cholesterol reading. But more disturbing than that is you using the term "booty-liciousness."

happycfam said...

Hi. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I appreciated your sweet comments on my daughter's blog. It's so refreshing to know there are good people out there who will take a minute to show support and kindness. Thank you so much!

By the way, this post on 'obesity' is hysterical. I love it and I appreciate it 100%. I'm a little 'heavy' these days, but it's throwin my game off when I tell people I just had a baby and out walks my 6 year old---I need to use some of your awesome excuses for a while. Thanks for the laugh!

Kat said...

Hey, I tagged you on my blog. I hope to see some interesting tidbits about you soon! Love ya!

Kristen said...

Are you done being obese yet? It's been NINE DAYS! =o)