I no longer want to throw my baby against a wall and I don’t wish myself any harm.
Last Friday, I had refused to hold or feed the baby (I was pumping breastmilk and having David feed her). That evening, I saw her on our bed and Dave asked me to watch her while he went to get something downstairs; I looked down at her, erupted in tears, bawled "I miss my baby!" and immediately snatched her up. And that was that. I couldn't be away from her again or fathom hurting her.
For the last few days, I had given my spigots a rest by expressing my milk. A couple nights into this routine, I was feeding Baby Adhis a bottle of breast milk and she went absolutely berserk after emptying the bottle. I calmly tried to comfort her, sing to her, bounce her, but when I cuddled her up to me, I could tell that she was desperately looking for me to feed her sans bottle. I found this curious since she had had enough to eat. I thought, "let me just see what she does" and offered her my breast. She began to eat right away and immediately calmed down. Right then, I realized that though she was getting her food, she missed having long feeding/bonding moments. I said to her "oh, you need your mommy." And that was that. I don't want to hurt me anymore; my daughter needs me.
Now, the husband… Somebody hold me back!
Just teasing. He has been awesome (even if he will be leaving me and baby alone for a week while he travels on business). :::a pout and a scowl:::
Last night, I was at a neighbor’s house with some other women and I leaked (in more ways than one!) about how I was doing with nursing. After all that, I went home, breastfed my baby and had a pleasant less-pain-than-usual experience. Then, it happened again this morning! FAN-tastic!!
So, yes, I’m feeling much better.
Here are some other things that helped buoy me during the Baby Blues:
1) Talking about the blues. Getting it off my chest and out in the open.
2) (Speaking of chest…) Meeting with a lactation consultant as often as I needed and then realizing I should follow my instincts.
3) Getting dressed each morning, even if my choice of outfits is limited to the 5 I still fit in.
4) Realizing that my baby talks in her sleep. The only way she knows to communicate at this time is by making noises that to adults sound like crying or whimpering or screaming. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her because I heard her crying. After a few nights, I realized if I waited but one or two minutes, she’d continue sleeping. She was just talking in her sleep.
5) Drinking lots of water.
6) Hugs from my husband, even when I acted like I didn’t want them.
7) Going to bed and thinking, “tomorrow might be better.”
8) Hearing from other women through emails, comments, phone calls, voicemails, and visits. (For women, social connectivity with other women increases health and longevity.)
9) Accepting that my feelings are common even if they don’t feel normal.
11) Ice cream
13) Reading books to expand my thoughts. Books I read or started reading during this time to fill my mind:
- 100 Promises to My Baby—Mallika Chopra (thanks, Clarice!)
- Think and Grow Rich -- Napoleon Hill
- A New Earth—Eckhart Tolle
- On Becoming Babywise – Gary Ezzo, M.A. & Robert Buckman, M.D. (thanks, Brother Smith!)
I wish I was eloquent in expressing my gratitude for the support you have all been through your words, thoughts, and deeds. Here’s an idea, go out and buy yourselves ice creams cones. You are worth it!
I hope someone or all of you will remember when you are feeling down or dark, that though you may not feel "normal," it IS common and most people will not judge you if you reach out to them.