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Friday, June 13, 2008

Feeling Better

Since everyone has been asking: I’m feeling much better, thank you!
I no longer want to throw my baby against a wall and I don’t wish myself any harm.

Last Friday, I had refused to hold or feed the baby (I was pumping breastmilk and having David feed her). That evening, I saw her on our bed and Dave asked me to watch her while he went to get something downstairs; I looked down at her, erupted in tears, bawled "I miss my baby!" and immediately snatched her up. And that was that. I couldn't be away from her again or fathom hurting her.

For the last few days, I had given my spigots a rest by expressing my milk. A couple nights into this routine, I was feeding Baby Adhis a bottle of breast milk and she went absolutely berserk after emptying the bottle. I calmly tried to comfort her, sing to her, bounce her, but when I cuddled her up to me, I could tell that she was desperately looking for me to feed her sans bottle. I found this curious since she had had enough to eat. I thought, "let me just see what she does" and offered her my breast. She began to eat right away and immediately calmed down. Right then, I realized that though she was getting her food, she missed having long feeding/bonding moments. I said to her "oh, you need your mommy." And that was that. I don't want to hurt me anymore; my daughter needs me.

Now, the husband… Somebody hold me back!

Just teasing. He has been awesome (even if he will be leaving me and baby alone for a week while he travels on business). :::a pout and a scowl:::

Last night, I was at a neighbor’s house with some other women and I leaked (in more ways than one!) about how I was doing with nursing. After all that, I went home, breastfed my baby and had a pleasant less-pain-than-usual experience. Then, it happened again this morning! FAN-tastic!!

So, yes, I’m feeling much better.

Here are some other things that helped buoy me during the Baby Blues:

1) Talking about the blues. Getting it off my chest and out in the open.
2) (Speaking of chest…) Meeting with a lactation consultant as often as I needed and then realizing I should follow my instincts.
3) Getting dressed each morning, even if my choice of outfits is limited to the 5 I still fit in.
4) Realizing that my baby talks in her sleep. The only way she knows to communicate at this time is by making noises that to adults sound like crying or whimpering or screaming. I used to wake up in the middle of the night to feed her because I heard her crying. After a few nights, I realized if I waited but one or two minutes, she’d continue sleeping. She was just talking in her sleep.
5) Drinking lots of water.
6) Hugs from my husband, even when I acted like I didn’t want them.
7) Going to bed and thinking, “tomorrow might be better.”
8) Hearing from other women through emails, comments, phone calls, voicemails, and visits. (For women, social connectivity with other women increases health and longevity.)
9) Accepting that my feelings are common even if they don’t feel normal.
10) Cookies
11) Ice cream
12) Cake
13) Reading books to expand my thoughts. Books I read or started reading during this time to fill my mind:

  • 100 Promises to My Baby—Mallika Chopra (thanks, Clarice!)
  • Think and Grow Rich -- Napoleon Hill
  • A New Earth—Eckhart Tolle
  • On Becoming Babywise – Gary Ezzo, M.A. & Robert Buckman, M.D. (thanks, Brother Smith!)
14) Picking up my guitar after so many months of not being able to hold it in my lap.

I wish I was eloquent in expressing my gratitude for the support you have all been through your words, thoughts, and deeds. Here’s an idea, go out and buy yourselves ice creams cones. You are worth it!

I hope someone or all of you will remember when you are feeling down or dark, that though you may not feel "normal," it IS common and most people will not judge you if you reach out to them.


Aubrey said...

Those cupcakes look like they are from Brooke! I have some brownies for you...I'll bring them by today! :)

Jenn said...

Love the list. My favorite is the baby talking in her sleep. We should get Anna and her together and let them go at it. She was talking last night at 4 am. Also I'm so glad the nursing is starting to be less painful.

I know many people have already sid this but you should publish your blog. There is a web site called and it will upload and then you can edit it. Also here is that other web site that tells you who is looking at your blog

brittneyboucha said...

sometimes us moms need a little break. the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder is so true, especially for moms and kids. yesterday i spent the day on the couch feeling lousy. alyssa was a good sport but when mark got home i was so glad and ready to head to enrichment. he took her to get chicken nuggets and then to the park. two hours later i was so excited to see her again and loved hearing her tell me all about "pieing(playing in her language) at park daddy"

Kat said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are doing better. I am always praying for you. :) Love ya!

Brooke said...

I'm so happy you are feeling and doing better. Just think, it can only get better from here! I love looking at your blog, it's so nice to have, to see how you're doing. Hang in there, you're doing wonderful!!

Jennica said...

Your blog is the funniest and most honest of any I have ever seen...and that is why I love it so! Thanks for always making me laugh and being real. I am glad you are feeling a little better!

Kristen said...

"Adhis says I need to go get an ice cream cone!!!" Okay. =o) Loveya!

Christa J. said...

When I found out I was pregnant with Morgan (after being told we would not have children) I asked Heavenly Father if he was out of his mind..literally, I asked. I am the last person on earth that should be a mom. Then I discovered I could do it with a littel help from the people I love. I have not had the joy of being around you like when I lived there, but one thing I know for sure is that you are a beautiful person and you will be an amazing mom. I miss having examples like you in my life!

Heidi said...

Glad to hear you are doing better. I'm always so excited to see when you leave me a comment! And look, I got 2 in one day! How on earth did I not have YOU on my list??? You're in my READER though. You are now added. Feel loved.

Lyns said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. It takes some time. I TOLD you it was hard at first! :) I had to comment on your radioactive spider comment on my blog. That is the only explanation that makes sense as far as the window well goes, so that's what I'm sticking with. By the way, I laughed right out loud at your cheese grater post. It is so true, and I laughed only because it was better than crying! :)

Kikibug said...

I am SO glad that you are feeling better and I LOVE how real you are. Where were you 8 years ago when Judson was born? I may need to read this over and over again in Oct... ya never know.
Nursing.. ahh the joys. It is a love/hate thing for me. You are SOOO CUTE though... I love that you picked her up and cried and missed her. SOOO SWEET. I just LOVE you!