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Friday, January 12, 2007

You're OK; I'm just protecting myself.

I always thought I was a people-watcher. I wonder now if I'm actually a people-avoider. I observe primarily not to entertain myself but to protect myself.

When I was single and dating, I was often told I had a "poker face": no one knew if I was interested or not. At the time, I kept my emotions hidden so that I could judge if a fellow was worthy of my openness. I see now how frustrating that would have been to the men I later revealed interest in.

I'm realizing I was blessed to be pretty as this helped men be extra patient with my privateness. I see also why I had only a handful of female friends since my appearance would not have really inspired them to hang in there during my hesitancy to open up.

I was also blessed with wit... Just enough to keep people hanging around a little longer to buy me some more "judging time."

What was I evaluating? I was making sure the person in question was (1) perfectly flawless and unable to hurt me or (2) so obviously inferior that I would not hesitate to drop them should they cross me.

Right or Wrong. It seemed easier to live in a black-and-white world. However, that world is awfully small, short-lived, and lonely.

Why have I been evaluating people for so long? I was judging people as I assumed they were judging me, except... I'm finding they weren't the ones judging me. It was me harshly judging me.

I've been a woman of extremes, and I'm in search of balance and contentment.

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