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Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Problem with Boredom

I've been bored a long time for the sake of others. First, I denied my interests so I could please others by doing what they expected and wanted of me. (Seeking approval.) Then, I spent the last couple years rebelling by purposely NOT doing what I had been groomed to do. (Seeking disapproval.)

The problem with boredom is that it is a product of self-denial and eventually leads to lunacy and to breakdowns and to choices ill. (I know firsthand.)

When I became a U.S. Citizen three weeks ago, I jokingly asked a friend if he noticed anything different about me. He said I seemed like someone who let nothing get in her way and could do anything. I was surprised and intrigued by his response. His comment kind of gave me license to do something different, anything different, even though I had been wanting different for quite some time. (Boy, what an understatement!)

Being a non-citizen was once, long ago, the reason I legitimately couldn't do some of the things I wanted to do (like accept scholarships, apply for certain jobs, etc.). Then I got used to uttering that reason and it became my excuse for not doing other things I had expressed interest in. With the non-citizenship excuse recently out of the way, it started becoming apparent to me that I have had no reasons stopping me all this time, only carefully-crafted excuses.

(Blah blah blah... skipping a long list of stories and examples…)

So this year, I decided to dip my toe in options motivated by ME and my well-being. (Seeking no reaction from anyone else.)

I've decided my old patterns no long serve me and it's time to trade up:

* Time to see myself differently.

* Time to enjoy the day I've been given rather than expecting the day to entertain me.

*Time to rise above the drama others create for their comfort.

*Time to forgive and accept myself.

*Time to step out of the box I obediently sat in to make others comfortable.

*Time to stand up and exclaim that there is no box big enough, polygonal enough, multi-sensory enough and mobile enough to fit me.

There is no reason for me to be bored.

But if in the future I decide to be bored again, I suppose I could make up new excuses...

"Now I've lived through my share of misfortunes
And I've wept to the blazing sun
But how long should it take somebody
before they can be someone

" 'Cause I know there's got to be another level
Somewhere closer to the other side
And I'm feeling like its now or never
Can I break the spell
Of the typical"

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Wrapped in Saran Wrap

Just feeling blue.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going through life wrapped in Saran Wrap. I'm living, experiencing, partaking, even enjoying at times, but only to a degree. I can *almost* feel things except for the thin barrier keeping me from doing so. Dumb static cling wrap.

You know the feeling?

The frustration and suffocation come after extended times of being denied full interaction. I'm tired of this disassociation. I crave full engagement, to feel, to be in the moment. Each moment comes only once and I'm sick of missing them.

I think that's why I take so many photos. I need proof that I was there, that it happened.

But eventually photos appear to me as illustrations in a fictional story.


And even this scream seems already like a faint memory.

"Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a meltdown
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her
The look on her face a waste of time she won't let go, gonna roll the dice
Loosing her grace, starts to cry. I feel her pain when I look in her eyes."